...and I’m a Food-aholic.
Does that sound silly to you? It sounds
silly to me - like it is a joke that is commonly made by overweight people?
They often say it with just a hint of irony poking through. The fact is that is isn’t a joke. It’s a very
real thing, and I am coming to grips with the fact that it applies to me.
My loyal readers will remember that I joined
Weight Watchers a few years back (Sept of 2015 to be exact), and lost 55 pounds
over the next 2 years. At that point, I plateaued. For the year after
that, I sort of maintained, sort of with some minor gains, and then the
following year, I started gaining significantly. Ok here we go - I’m going to lay out the
actual numbers. Ready? When I
started WW, I weighed in at 260#. My lowest
weight in May of 2017 was 205#. There
are my 55 pounds. Last week, when I
weighed in at WW again, I was at 242#.
For the last several months, I have been
obsessed with eating - all the time, but especially in the evening. All day, I
would say all the right things to myself about the importance of eating only
healthy food, and the importance of not gaining any more. I would do ok for
most of the day, especially on school days (unless there were treats
available!) - healthy breakfast, healthy lunch, no snacks, but by about 4 pm, I
was ready to start eating anything I could find, and even though I would eat a
healthy dinner, I would keep eating all evening. Candy - cookies - chips
- crackers - those were the biggies. This bingeing was bothering me, every day,
but I kept doing it, every day. I would
wake up in the morning committed to the idea of “behaving”, and by late
afternoon, I was eating again. When I
went to the grocery, I would walk in thinking “I’m not going to buy any crap”,
and then the bags I left with would contain apples and strawberries, and
salad-fixings, and M&Ms and cookies, and chips. What’s up with that?
Exactly! What is up with that?
That’s what I started asking myself. As a teacher, I’ve been to
enough professional development meetings to be able to recognize a red flag.
When a student consciously does something to themselves that they know
isn’t good for them, that’s called self-harm. When someone is engaged in
self-harm, it’s an indicator of something big going on in their mind, and it is
considered a mental illness. Wait!
Do I have a mental illness?
Perhaps an eating disorder?
These questions started me on a path of research
and discovery. I was curious about WHY I would be engaging in
self-destructive behaviors. Overall, I consider myself a very healthy
person, mentally. I am fairly calm and
rational, and even though I tend to cry very easily (as all of my friends will
tell you), I really have a very safe, stable life. When I started reading
about self-harm, I kept seeing references to trauma from child abuse, the death
of close loved-ones, witnessing something horrific. I really couldn’t think of any trauma that I
had experienced. My childhood was very safe and stable and happy in a family
who wanted me and cherished me. It didn’t seem that what was going on
with me was the result of any trauma.
I went on Amazon looking for books dealing with
self-harm and eating disorders, and before too long, I found a book called Letting
Go of Self-Destructive Behaviors: A Workbook of Hope and Healing by Lisa
Ferentz. I was impressed by the fact that it included “overeating” with
Bulimia and Anorexia as an eating disorder and as a mental health issue. As
soon as the book arrived, I started reading. One of the first things the
book recommended was that if I could find a professional to work with while I
was reading the book and doing the activities in it, that would enhance the
whole process.
Next, I started looking for mental health
professionals in my area who specialized in eating disorders or self-harm.
I found a couple of social service agencies in my community that seemed
to address these types of issues, and then I read though the lists of
professionals and their focuses. I found a few that indicated their focus
on eating disorders. I am now working
with a Clinical Counselor named Deanna.
I’ve met with her once, and I came away with my head full of information
and ideas that I really am still only starting to understand. That same
day I also started back at Weight Watchers.
Since then, I’ve been doing a lot of reading/researching and
thinking.
To start our conversation, Deanna asked me why I
came to see her. I explained my situation. In addition to what I explained above, I also
told her that as a child I went through periods of time when I sought out
things to eat that weren’t typically considered snacks. I remember times
when I would go into the bathroom, get up on my little stool that I used when I
brushed my teeth, get in the medicine cabinet and take out the toothpaste. I would then squirt some in my mouth and eat
it. Not a lot - just a little squirt.
Another uncommon snack that I would seek out were bouillon cubes - the
beef flavored ones in the little foil wrappers.
I would unwrap one and lick it until my tongue was sore. This was when I was pre-school age, but old
enough to be moving around the house without my mother watching every move
(maybe 4?).
Once I was in school, I no longer sought out
those snacks, but I would typically binge on cookies or chips after school
while I watched TV. As early as 3rd grade, I would grab something out of
the pantry, and sit on the floor in front of the TV and watch whatever was
on. If it was a bag of chips, it wasn’t
out of the question for me to eat at least half of the bag or more. If it
was cookies, I would eat quite a few -
Girl Scout cookies - in sleeves - I could easily eat at a whole sleeve in one
sitting. If there were no cookies or
chips in the pantry, I would eat crackers.
My mother kept the pantry supplied with all of those goodies. I
don’t ever remember asking for anything specific. She bought them and I ate them. I also sometimes ate dry cereal like Captain
Crunch or even Raisin Bran. My mother
also made a lot of homemade dessert-treats which I helped myself to. Interestingly, my mother didn’t nag at me
about overeating. There were a couple of times I remember her suggesting that I
shouldn’t eat so much of something…. But she kept buying the food and I always
had access to it.
As a child, I matured physically very early.
I can remember in 1st, 2nd, 3rd grade, I was the tallest student in the
class. I remember that because we would line up by height to get our
class pictures taken, and I was always at the tall end of the group.
I think I was as tall in 6th grade as I am now, and by the time I
was in 4th, 5th and 6th, I was not only the tallest but the “biggest” student
in the class. At some point I started realizing I was “THE” fat girl in the
room. In junior high, I started being more aware of my comparative size,
and by high school I was very conscious of the fact that I WAS the fat girl in
the room. I only remember 1 female
student in my high school who was “fatter” than I was. We became good
friends for awhile. Of course we did a
lot of snacking together.
I don’t remember how much I weighed in high
school. One summer when I was in college, I had to go to the doctor for
something, and he put me on a 1000 calorie diet. I had weighed in at
217#, and with his diet, I got down to 200# before going back to BG in the
fall. I also know that at age 22 when I
was shopping for a wedding dress, no stores had my size. I was then
needing a size 18, and stores only had smaller sizes. Sometimes they MIGHT have a 16, but even that
was rare. The message was Girls Who Are
As Big As Me Don’t Get Married! So, of
course, my size 18 had to be special ordered.
When I think back on it now, and think about the
fact that I knew I was overweight, I never really tried to diet. I
remember having a sense of entitlement related to eating. “It’s my body! I can eat what I want to eat, and no one can
stop me!” THERE! Take THAT!
After explaining all this to Deanna, she
immediately identified me as an addict. She said that the behaviors and
attitudes I described are those of someone with an addictive personality.
She went on to explain that addiction is related to 2 specific brain
chemicals - Serotonin and Dopamine.
*LIGHT BULB* Serotonin is the brain chemical that lets us know
when we’ve had enough to eat. If the balance of this is off, we don’t always
get any signals that we’ve had enough. Dopamine is a “feel good”
chemical. Drugs raise this chemical and
that’s why it’s called “dope”. Many
other things raise this chemical: sex
and other physical pleasures like massage, exercise, and certain things in food
- mainly sugars and fats. *Another LIGHT BULB*
I left my first session with Deanna with the
understanding that I am a food addict, probably because of a chemical imbalance
in my brain. There are ways to deal with this. Medications might be an option, as are
behavioral changes. For me, just
understanding this is HUGE! I feel this
is the first GREATBIGHUGE step in making changes that will help me get healthier.
I am now back on Weight Watchers and I have
another appointment with Deanna scheduled. I have also started making
some specific changes in my routines, and I’m continuing my research.
Thanks for reading and stay tuned for updates in the weeks ahead!
:)Amy
After explaining all this to Deanna, she immediately identified me as an addict. She said that the behaviors and attitudes I described are those of someone with an addictive personality. She went on to explain that addiction is related to 2 specific brain chemicals - Serotonin and Dopamine. *LIGHT BULB* Serotonin is the brain chemical that lets us know when we’ve had enough to eat. If the balance of this is off, we don’t always get any signals that we’ve had enough. Dopamine is a “feel good” chemical. Drugs raise this chemical and that’s why it’s called “dope”. Many other things raise this chemical: sex and other physical pleasures like massage, exercise, and certain things in food - mainly sugars and fats. *Another LIGHT BULB*
As a child, I matured physically very early. I can remember in 1st, 2nd, 3rd grade, I was the tallest student in the class. I remember that because we would line up by height to get our class pictures taken, and I was always at the tall end of the group. I think I was as tall in 6th grade as I am now, and by the time I was in 4th, 5th and 6th, I was not only the tallest but the “biggest” student in the class. At some point I started realizing I was “THE” fat girl in the room. In junior high, I started being more aware of my comparative size, and by high school I was very conscious of the fact that I WAS the fat girl in the room. I only remember 1 female student in my high school who was “fatter” than I was. We became good friends for awhile. Of course we did a lot of snacking together.
